


Of Gods and Men

by Anonymous



Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Adopted Toby Smith | Tubbo, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Canon Compliant, Canon-Typical Violence, Canonical Character Death, Depressed TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Depression, Exiled TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Fox Hybrid Floris | Fundy, Ghost Wilbur Soot, Ghostbur is too innocent, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Insane Wilbur Soot, Manipulative Clay | Dream (Video Blogging RPF), Mental Instability, Parent Phil Watson (Video Blogging RPF), Phil Watson Angst (Video Blogging RPF), Post-Manberg-Pogtopia War on Dream Team SMP (Video Blogging RPF), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pre December 16th, President Toby Smith | Tubbo, References to Ancient Greek Religion & Lore, References to Depression, Sally the Samon is mentioned, The Author Regrets Nothing, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Toby Smith | Tubbo Angst, Toby Smith | Tubbo Misses TommyInnit, TommyInnit Angst (Video Blogging RPF), TommyInnit Misses Toby Smith | Tubbo, TommyInnit is Not Okay (Video Blogging RPF), Twins Wilbur Soot & Technoblade, Villain Clay | Dream (Video Blogging RPF), Villain Wilbur Soot, Wilbur Soot Angst, Wilbur Soot and Technoblade and TommyInnit are Siblings, Wilbur Soot is Not Okay, hurt/barely any comfort, i am literally obsessed, please help me, sbi as family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-28
Updated: 2020-12-28
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:54:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28384353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: An insight into the minds of our heroes and how close to their Greek Counterparts (assigned by me) they really are.This was written Pre-December 16th, so there are still some parts of the plot that aren't included in this fic yet.
Relationships: ALL PLATONIC, Alexis | Quackity & TommyInnit, Clay | Dream & Technoblade (Video Blogging RPF), Clay | Dream & TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Clay | Dream & Wilbur Soot, Floris | Fundy & TommyInnit, Floris | Fundy & Wilbur Soot, Jschlatt & Wilbur Soot, Niki | Nihachu & Wilbur Soot, Shippers please DO NOT, Technoblade & Phil Watson (Video Blogging RPF), Technoblade & TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Toby Smith | Tubbo & Phil Watson, Toby Smith | Tubbo & TommyInnit, Toby Smith | Tubbo & Wilbur Soot, Toby Smith | Tubbo & Wilbur Soot & Technoblade & TommyInnit & Phil Watson, TommyInnit & Phil Watson (Video Blogging RPF), Wilbur Soot & Phil Watson, Wilbur Soot & Technoblade, Wilbur Soot & TommyInnit
Comments: 5
Kudos: 66
Collections: Anonymous





	1. TommyInnit

**Author's Note:**

> A hero can become a martyr as easily as a man can become the villain in someone's story.

TommyInnit - Theseus

_“Heroes never win, do they, Tommy?”_

Tommy fights, he suffers, gives up his discs and two of his lives for his country, his people, and is exiled for it. They accuse him of selfishness when he gives up so much, and just keeps giving and giving. He’s been betrayed over and over again, and still wears his heart out on his sleeve. You might say he is naive about the ways of the world. He is too proud, too loyal.

He fights for L’Manburg, and single-handedly wins its independence, snatching it back from the clutches of a cruel, malignant leader. He is banished through an election gone wrong, pushed to the side and forced to run away from the arrows shot by former allies, by members of the nation he helped found. He is forced to live in a ravine, in the cold and dark, with a man who he loves as a brother, who he admires as an idol, who’s mental state deteriorates as the days go by. He tries his hardest to keep his leader, his president, his friend, his older brother, from collapsing, from losing himself. ~~_He ignores his own feelings, his own mind, in favor of a man who wants so much. And the man takes and takes and takes from him before going out with a bang and forcing him to live with the man’s mistakes. He is told that he’ll never amount to anything. “You’ll never be president, Tommy.”_~~ He is thought to be the traitor. _Public Enemy Number One._ His friends thought he was their enemy. A traitor, no better than the king who left at the promise of power, the call of self-fulfillment, pride and greed mixing into a slimy thing that taints their life and pains their chest. He fights again, and wins. A tyrant ~~_his idol, a man who he admired and followed and revered as a role-model_~~ dies, his final words despicably forgettable. He is given the one thing he was told he’d never get.

~~_But it was a ruse, a lie. He is given his due with the intention of it being snatched away._~~ He gives up what he wants because he knows that he isn’t finished. He knows that if he takes over as president, he will risk the lives of the people he cares about if he tries to get back what he gave up. So he gives it to his brother, the man who hurt him, who belittled him, who gave up on him long ago. His brother gives it to his best friend. And then his brother gives up and presses the button. And his eldest brother, the warrior, tells him that heroes give and give and then die. They never win. “If you want to be a hero, then die like one.”

~~_He is told to die by a warrior. He is told he is worthless by a leader. He is banished by a tyrant. He is taken from by a man who considers himself a god._ ~~

He fights the warrior, fights against his family. He is expected to carry on like he hasn’t been hurt, hasn’t been betrayed by the most important people to him. He does. Loyalty is his fatal flaw, after all; his own Achilles heel.

_“It was never meant to be.”_

The one time he does something for himself instead of giving until there’s nothing left, he is told that he is wrong, that he is selfish, that he is ruining everything for everyone and for no one except himself. He’s allowed to be angry, to want the things that he fought for the entire time, but the one time he acts like a human, thinking about his own needs over the needs of others, he is thrown away, used up. He wants to live the way they did before. Before war, before death and destruction. Before insanity and cold. Before hurt and betrayal. Before drugs and hot dog vans. He makes a mistake, one that costs him everything. He steals from the King, dragging his new friend along with him. The puppeteer gets angry.

~~_“Your actions have consequences.” Quackity hisses. “You’re the vice president!” Tubbo bellows. “You’re screwing this over for the rest of us.” Fundy snarls. Why is wanting the symbols of his friendship, the objects that he fought over, such a crime? He is taunted and ridiculed. He deals with it. He robbed George’s house, yes, but he’d just wanted to check. He didn’t mean to cause any trouble._ ~~

He is accused of screwing things up, for damaging his country’s already fragile relations with the outside. He is told that he must suffer. He does. ~~_“THE DISCS DON’T MATTER, TOMMY!”_~~ He is banished and his hard earned items are burned. He is left in the wilderness alone with a wisp of a man, the shadow of the person he once knew.

~~_“It’s a vacation, Tommy!” The ghost of his brother is too innocent. He doesn’t understand that Tommy isn’t allowed to return. He isn’t allowed to see his friends, his family, the place he gave up so much for. Ghostbur doesn’t remember a lot about the past. Tommy remembers too much._~~ He is given his support by people who he doesn’t know that well. He is ignored by the ones he knows the best. He is taunted by his enemies. ~~_“It’s not your turn to die.”_~~ He is alone.

_“How do you know when it gets to be too much?”_


	2. Wilbur Soot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain." But that's not always right, is it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The decision to be a hero or a villain is up to you. Just as the light of the sun shines on everyone, the shade hides whispers in every shadow. The need for power whispers in every mind, but the decision to listen to its call is what makes a villain.
> 
> Remember: actions have consequences.

_ Wilbur Soot - Icarus _

_He flew too close to the sun._

Wilbur was beautiful and vulnerable and power and success, but he wanted too much.

He joins a server with his youngest brother. He and that boy create a new life for themselves. They make the “Hto dog van”, begin their upwards climb towards power through their drug cartel. He decides that he wants to form his own nation, free from the tyranny and brutality of their rulers, of the oppression that envelops the Greater Dream SMP. The two boys name their nation L’Manburg. Their ranks grow and they grow along with it. Their short-lived happiness ends with a declaration of war. A young man, a new leader, must grow so much.

~~_He expects the rest of them to grow with him. They’re only kids. How could he expect them to throw away their lives for something. They’re so young. He’s so young._ ~~They fight many battles. Then, one day, everything climaxes. They are betrayed by one of their own. ~~_Dream offers them the promise of power, the title of King. The bright-eyed youth, knowing they can climb up the ranks, accepts. They leave their friends behind._~~ The betrayal stings fresh. They all die to the swords of fierce, brutal warriors. Their land is blown sky high.

_“It was never meant to be,” says a traitor._

Wilbur knows he can’t go on like this, so he organizes a meeting with Dream the puppeteer, the one behind everything to negotiate the terms of surrender. _~~He almost gives up everything he worked for in the face of defiance, but his little brother comes and gives up so much. How did he forget that? “Do I shoot him, Wil, or do I aim for the skies?” He tells him to follow what his heart tells him.~~_ His brother, in all his pride and loyalty and arrogance, challenges Dream to a duel for their independence. He fails but turns around at the last second, giving up his most prized possessions for their struggling nation. ~~_Wilbur knows that it was for him, in the end. Tommy’s loyalty will be his downfall._~~

Wilbur has gotten what he wants, what he fought for, but he still needs more. He tells his brother of a plan to prove ~~_it was to himself, in the end_~~ that he deserves his position as president, as leader of their new country. He is run against by an outsider. His own son, the light of his life, runs against him. The man who he and his brother invited as an endorsement runs against him. He is too late to accept the offer Quackity gives him, the offer of a coalition government where they both work together to run their beautiful country.

~~_He loses and he and his brother are banished, and everything he worked for begins to fall apart around him. He goes mad in the exile, his brother trying his hardest to keep all of the broken pieces together. He watches his surrogate little brother toil under the oppressive eye of a ram-horned charlatan. He watches his friend cry and scream, her bakery falling under the hiked up taxes she faces. He watches a traitor, a king, sadly wait for the day of their redemption arc. He watches his son tear down the walls that he built to protect him, watches him burn down the flag of their beautiful nation. A tear rolls down his cheeks as he sings to the sky, reminiscing about the days before._ ~~

In the ravine, he is offered assistance from the warrior of legend, Technoblade. ~~_He missed his older brother. He missed their father. Where was Dad when he needed him? Where were you, Dad?_ ~~Everyone is against him. Everyone is betraying him. He is alone. ~~_But he never was alone. He was never given up on by the people he cared about most. He was the one who gave up on them._~~ He knows what he needs to do.

_“If I can’t have L’Manburg, then NO ONE. NO ONE CAN HAVE L’MANBURG!”_

_“Let’s be villains, Tommy”._ He whispers to his youngest brother, mania and insanity corrupting his mind. _“Let’s blow that motherfucker, to smithereens.”_

He knows the laws of writing. _Chekov’s gun_. He knows that by showing off the button that will end it all, he is proving that it needs to happen. Why can’t they see that? His youngest brother tries his hardest to keep him together, while their middle watches on. ~~_Anarchy is all he cares about, he thinks, even though he knows that their brother, the warrior, came just as much to help them, too._~~ He falls farther and farther apart, watching on as their middle brother murders their younger’s best friend. He laughs as he watches Techno beat their baby brother to death in the pit, how he tells him about the only universal language they all know. _“The only universal language, Tommy, is violence.”_ He sees Quackity betray the dictator, sees his son return, the false promises of a tyrant unfulfilled, sees Niki try her hardest to keep everyone together. _~~They’ll betray him, the whispers say. They’ll leave him to rot. He believes them.~~_ He makes a promise.

They win the war. Schlatt dies a drunk, deplorable death, surrounded by people who hated him. He gives the role of president to Tommy. _~~Once upon a time, he told his brother that he’d never be president, never amount to anything. “I can see it in your eyes. You’re scared Tommyinnit.”~~_ His brother speaks, telling his people that he can’t be the president, that there’s still something that he needs to do. He returns control to his brother, his leader, who gives it away to his brother’s best friend. ~~_If he couldn’t make his brother suffer by snatching away his hope of claiming his rightfully deserved role, then he’d hurt the next best person._~~ He leaves while they celebrate, walking back to the place where everything would finally end. He rants to himself, telling himself that this is all worth it, that he wants this. _~~He wonders if his dad is proud of him. He tries to convince himself. "There WAS a special place... where men COULD go to emancipate...But it’s not there anymore."~~_

His father comes behind him, calm and quiet and sad. He asks him if this is what he truly wants. Wilbur smiles. "There was a saying Phil.. by a traitor. Once part of L'Manberg... It was never meant to be." And the world explodes.

_~~He laughs away his despair, pleading for his father to kill him, to end it all. He knows that it’s the only way for him to be at peace, for him to face retribution for all that he’s done. His father pleads him with. “You’re my son!” he says. “You’re my son.” Wilbur smiles as he dies enveloped in his father’s arms. A few days later, the ghost of a grey-skinned, yellow sweater wearing boy appears. He wanders around the smoking ruins of a crumbling city, wondering what happened. Eventually he is found by family, by friends. He remembers nothing of the destruction he caused, only of sparring with his brother and chinese lanterns with his father and the gentle strumming of a guitar. He remembers the infectious laughter of a blonde haired boy and the fierce pride he feels toward a small orange fox. He remembers the graceful beauty of a salmon swimming up the river, the adoration and desire he felt toward her, and the intense euphoria he felt at the birth of his young fox child. He remembers laughter and hot dog vans and calm, intense happiness.~~ _

_~~He is happy.~~ _

In the end, his ambition was too much. His unfinished symphony fell apart without him.

His unfinished symphony, forever unfinished.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do I abuse italics/strikethrough? Yes. Do I care? No (:


	3. Technoblade

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.” - Friedrich Nietzsche

Technoblade - ???

We’ll just have to wait and see, won’t we?

Blood for the Blood God

(:

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha this was more of a joke chapter, but only because Technoblade hadn't shown enough of his character to inspire a chapter of his own yet, in my opinion at least.


	4. Philza

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Regret is something that pulls at our soul, that corrupts our minds. We wish and wish and wish that we could change the past. But we can't. And so regret haunts us for the rest of our lives.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You regret your mistakes, don't you, Phil?

Philza - Daedalus

Philza is many things. He is a hero, a king, a teacher, an architect, an idol, a father. He adopts child after child, raises son after son, all out of the goodness of his heart. He is kind and fair and firm, all hugs and comfort when wanted and consequences and correction when needed. He raised four sons.

A poet, the younger of a pair of twins, who’s lilting tongue draws in an audience. His stage presence is that of a leader, of a general. He is confident and assertive, always climbing for the top and reaching just a little higher. ~~_That would be Wilbur’s downfall in the end. He flew too close to the sun, and burned on the way down with the blinding strength of a collapsing star._~~

A warrior, the eldest child, who’s fighting prowess and natural strength and ability is whispered about among all corners of the realm. His fierceness is revered by soldier and civilian alike. Many tremble in fear at his name, the stories of what he’s accomplished with a simple sword as legendary as the myths of yore. He is great power and strategy and has tempered the calls of the void, of chaos and violence and death. ~~_Sometimes Technoblade would fall too far. The call for the end of all things, the need for the blood of his enemies would overcome him, and all his fearsome energy would be unleashed and the world around him would turn red. Technoblade never dies, as it has always been said. Blood for the Blood God, he whispers with a smirk._~~

A hero, one who’s rebellious spirit stays untamed, even in the face of danger. He is pride and anger and fearsome, raw energy. A feral, chaotic child who lives for adventure and excitement, who’s loyalty lay unchecked. ~~_In the end, Tommy was simply a boy who grew up too fast, who was never given time to grieve and grow, address his faults and his fears and move on. He gave too much and broke so fast, shattering under the weight of the burden he bore._~~

A president, a boy who came to Philza in a box on the side of the road, the epitome of a gift. His kindness and innocence was all his own, and his aptitude for building filled Phil with pride. Tubbo was Tommy’s best friend. ~~_A child soldier like Tommy, he fought and died for his country, suffered under the hand of a maniacal dictator, and was forced to make a hard decision for what he felt was the good of the nation he was entrusted with. And that decision cost him a friend, cost Philza’s surviving child a brother, cost Phil a son._~~

If asked, Phil would be the first to admit that he had failed as a father. His middle son felt unloved and overlooked by him growing up. The young man instead turns to accomplishments, drowning himself in his objectives until it overwhelms him, causing him to unravel like a string and lose himself. His son was betrayed after climbing so high, burned by the sun, and in the end, he decided that if he couldn’t have what he wanted, no one would.

~~_“God! You couldn't just let- you couldn't just win! You couldn't- you had to just throw your toys out the pram!" Philza cries as he stares at Wilbur, the young man who’d brought him so much pride and joy. Deep inside himself, he wonders where he had failed his son to have him fail so far from grace. His son cackles, madness spewing from between his lips. “Kill me Phil! Do it!” He spreads his arms with a crooked smile, relishing in the destruction he’s caused. “Look what I’ve done, Phil! End it!” As Phil kneels, holding his second-born between his arms, he cries at the smile of acceptance and bliss on Wilbur’s face. He bleeds out in his father’s arms, the sword provided by Wilbur to be used against him glistening in the light of the dying fires that peppered the remains of a country. And Phil weeps, wailing at the sacrifice he had to commit._ ~~

The pain of the choice he was forced to make is one that stays with him long after Wilbur’s death. Every time he looks at the ghost of his son, sees the innocence and ignorance and naivety that Ghostbur personifies, he laments the man that his son became and the choice that he made. ~~_If only he had tried harder, been better. If only Wilbur wasn’t so stubborn. It’s a trait that many of his children face, inexorable in the face of the hindrances that keep them from accomplishing their goals._~~ He resolves to prevent himself from failing again.

The next mistake he made was with his youngest. Tommy, a child so strong and bright and fiercely independent. He entrusts the safety of his sons ~~_Because he failed Tubbo in this way as well. God, he’s a horrible father_~~ to his middle son. Wilbur, not much older than a child himself, travels to a land far away and brings his brother and friend with him. He writes Phil letters of drug cartels and hot dog vans, of independence and rebellion. He tells Phil of his creation, his unfinished symphony. ~~_Phil always knew that he would go on to write complex songs, be regarded as a figure for the history books._~~ Soon, the letters grow less and less until stopping all together. Phil remains unaware of the suffering and trauma that populates the lives of the Dream SMP’s members until he is called in by the admin himself. He arrives just to see his son press the button to end it all. Chekov’s gun.

He sees his oldest, standing threateningly above the rest, bathed in the glow of ash and fire and the fading sun. ~~_He ignores the words that Techno spits at Tommy, filled with rage and disdain and hatred, telling his brother to die a hero._~~ He doesn’t comfort Tommy, instead staying in the background, a comforting presence lingering nearby, barely within reach. He focuses more on Technoblade, who he knows needs support and comfort that only a father can give.

~~_He isn’t there when his son is betrayed by his friend, sent away with the wisp of an older brother. He comes once to see him, alone in his exile, suffering to be taunted and laughed at by his living brother (and isn’t that just a thought? Wilbur will never grow any older.), ignored by his friends. He leaves his son to be manipulated by a monster hiding under a smiling mask._ ~~

The one time he sees Tommy during his exile, his heart sinks. His youngest, the baby of his family, is hanging together by threads, barely keeping the cracks of his mind and soul from falling apart in his hands. He notices but moves on, pushing his fear and regret to the back of his mind.

The third time he fails is with Tubbo. The boy is innocent and kind and intelligent. He fits the call for a leader that L’Manburg croons.

_~~The cursed land sinks its claws into him, forcing him to change from the kind boy he once was to a calculating, logic-driven young man. He’s only a child. Why was the future of a country and its people dependent on a child? Tubbo is tired and stressed and collapsing under the pressure. He gives up his friend because he thinks that it’s for the greater good. He fights for a place that only ever cause suffering and he is forced to turn it around and watch it rise up from the ashes of death and destruction.~~ _

Tubbo asks Phil what his opinions on governments are. Philza replies with a cultivated thought from his time building civilizations from the ground up. “Government is good when it helps people.” ~~_Your government isn’t, he thinks but doesn’t say._~~ The farther Tubbo goes, the more Phil dislikes this country, this creation that his son started. His views are more in line with his anarchist son’s, he thinks. ~~_Neutral though he pledges, he does not fear the call of the void, the same call that his warrior son hears in his heart. He will burn L’Manburg and its government into the ground if it saves the lives of the citizens he has grown to know._~~ He doesn’t offer his support to his surrogate son outside of his friendship.

~~_Never mind the fact that Tubbo is only 16, and already expected to do great things as a leader and as an architect. He leads the country he was chosen to serve to the best of his ability, and ignores the mounting stress and exhaustion that seems to seep from his very pores, the long list of regrets that slowly grows with each day he dons a stiff, uncomfortable suit (one that reminds him of a tyrant’s hand squeezing at his shoulder, of a yellow-eyed gaze smirking down at him gleaming with greed, of bright reds and blues that burned his retinas and scarred his skin, of the red eyes of a man hiding behind the mask of a pig) and the confident stance of a leader. Even when it hurts, even when he cries himself to sleep, he knows he needs to do what’s best for the country and people he is meant to lead. (He wants to go back to a time when he could play in a sunny clearing surrounded by the buzzing of bees and the sweet scent of flowers, when he could listen to the singing of an older brother, when he could sit on a bench and watch the sunset with a blonde-haired best friend while the gentle melody of a disc rung out in the quiet of the evening, when he could be a kid. He knows that that’s a time he’s never going to get back, and that moving on is for the best. He needs to grow up so he can be the man, the leader his people need him to be.)_ ~~

He fails with Fundy, his grandson. Fundy, a young man who was pushed aside by his father, a man who wanted too much. Feelings of neglect grew in the fox hybrid’s heart and his relationship with his father weakened. The ghost of Wilbur doesn’t understand what he did wrong, and tries to make it better. It doesn’t work. ~~_Philza and Wilbur share a lot in common, it seems._~~

Phil tries to form a relationship with the relative he never knew about, but Fundy hides between his walls, fearing giving out his heart only for it to be shattered once again. Foxes are sly, sneaky, able to blend into the shadows, and Fundy is all of that, Phil knows. But there is so much more to the young fox hybrid, peering out behind cracks in his iron defenses.

~~_Fundy wants to be noticed. He leaves his father behind at the promise of recognition that he would never receive from the man, Wilbur’s focus forever on his unfinished symphony. When the ram-horned politician’s assurances of falsehoods wear off, the fox leaves him behind without a second glance. He writes in a diary, trying to prove himself. Even as a spy, Fundy knows he’ll never be the first choice. Even as a soldier, as a son, as a friend, as a lover, he’ll always be left behind. Deep down in his heart, the fox knows that he’ll be left in the shadows. It happened with his father, with the grandfather he never met. “Dream doesn’t love you,” his friends tell him. “You’re only being used,” a poisonous part of him, deep inside, squashed below the charismatic young man Fundy portrays, whispers. He ignores it and goes back to fiendish plots and crafty schemes, to a sharp-toothed smile and the business of a secretary of state, carefully hiding any insecurities that squirm at the back of his head. (He misses his dad, Wilbur. He misses spending time with Niki, playing with Fungi, flirting with Dream. When he got adopted by Eret, that slimy voice whispered to him, “Don’t get too comfortable. They’re going to leave you behind just like the rest of them. They’re going to betray you.” He ignores it, but doesn’t let his guard down. After all, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.)_ ~~

Philza has failed many times before. He won’t fail again.

~~_But he does, and he will. The mistakes he made will carry with him for the rest of his life. He loses his family one by one. He warned Wilbur about climbing too high, because you’ll have further to fall. He warned Tommy about betrayal, about the dangers of giving without receiving. He warns Tubbo that power can change a person, that the fear of losing it causes the kindest of people to let the cruel fog of greed settle over their heart. He’s failed three of his sons. He’ll try his hardest not to fail again._ ~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was probably my favorite one to write. It's also the best of the bunch, I think.


	5. Tubbo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes we have to grow into the leader that we're expected to be. Sometimes, being that leader means throwing away your humanity and yourself in the process for the good of your people. Don't let yourself go to far, however, lest you become the villain in someone else's history.
> 
> “It is not power that corrupts but fear. Fear of losing power corrupts those who wield it and fear of the scourge of power corrupts those who are subject to it.” - Aung San Suu Kyi, Freedom from Fear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why did you do it, Tubbo? You know just as well what it's like to be abandoned, don't you?

Tubbo - Atlas

Tubbo remembers little of his childhood before being found by Philza.

He is told that his parents left him in the cold and dark, in a box by the side of the road, which is where Phil found him. Tubbo remembers his parents walking away from him, their turned backs filling him with sadness and fear. ~~_Why did they leave why did they leave him behind was he not good enough for them? He needs to be better, be smarter, so he doesn’t get left behind again._~~

He remembers being brought to Phil’s cabin in the woods, the green-and-white fabric of his kimono clutched tightly in a small, shaking hand. He remembers seeing three boys waiting for them inside the warmly lit cabin. He remembers the warm mustard-yellow of the younger of twins, a yellow-sweater wearing, beanie-headed boy, and the apprehension he felt when the boy’s brown eyes met his own sky blue. He remembers the glaring blood-red of slitted eyes from the eldest, the red muddling with a light pink that terrified him. He remembers burying his face into Philza’s sleeve, inhaling the now-familiar scent of feathers and warmth and pine and relishing in the comfort it brought. He remembers peeking through the white and green fabric to meet the cornflower-blue eyes of a blonde-haired boy around his age. As soon as their eyes met, he remembers feeling mystified and light, felt a bond snapping them together. They stared at each other in silence for a long time before the boy’s lips curl up in a gap-toothed smile that pulls at his cheeks and holds out a small hand. “Hi. I’m Tommy.” Tubbo remembers the serene feeling that rushed through him, flushing away the fear he had previously felt and replacing it with comfort. He holds out his own hand in reply. “My name is Tubbo.”

After that he remembers clearings filled with the sweet scent of flowers and the buzzing of fuzzy bees, the gentle strumming of a guitar and the lilting melody of a song, the rush of excitement that filled him as he flew through the air held securely in his father’s arms, the warmth that filled his chest when he spent time with his best friend, his soulmate. He remembers the trip to the Dream SMP and the sounds of bees that filled the air as he played with Tommy in their new home. He remembers baking pastries with Niki, fishing with Fundy, singing with Wilbur, braiding flower crowns with Eret. He remembers being chased around by Dream, laughing with Sapnap, joking with George. He remembers calm evenings watching the sunset to the sound of discs with Tommy.

The next thing he remembers is the construction of the “hto dog van” and laughing with his general, the feeling of a uniform and the wish for independence. He remembers war and fighting and explosions and betrayal and dying at the hands of his former friends. He remembers the intense fear he feels as he watches his best friend fall back, chest bleeding red from the impact of Dream’s arrow. He remembers the pride he feels when he learns of Tommy’s sacrifice of his prized discs and the excitement he feels at the writing of L’Manburg, his country, ‘s declaration of independence. After that, he remembers law and debating and trepidation and anxiety. He remembers fear and horror as he watches his friend’s be banished to the edges of the land, forced to leave them behind under the rule of Schlatt. He remembers feeling the crushing presence of the ram-horned man behind him, the feeling of having to look over your shoulder, of being scared for your life. He remembers the cold and dampness of Pogtopia, the fear of being discovered as a spy punctuating his every waking hour. He remembers suffering through it all because he wants to, no, needs to prove himself. ~~_He is told he is a betrayer by his former leader, that he is just a yes-man, that he’s lying to his best friend._~~

The next memory that fills his mind after that is fear and stress and pain pain painpainpain. ~~_He is killed at the festival he organized. He decorated his own execution. He remembers the cruel laughter of his emperor filling his ears, remembers looking into blood-red eyes that whisper “I’m sorry Tubbo” and he sees a bright light that is red and blue and then everything turns white and it hurts oh god it hurts so much-_~~

He remembers feeling nothing after the betrayal of execution from someone he’s known for most of his life. He remembers feeling fear at the sight of his best friend being beaten to death in a pit in a ravine by his older brother. He remembers the madness that settled around Wilbur like a cloud, madness and distrust gleaming in his eyes, eyes that used to look upon Tubbo with kindness. He remembers fighting a war for the second time, remembers surrounding the man that he followed as a leader and watched him die a death, hated and unloved. He remembers the pride he feels at seeing Tommy be elected for the role he always wanted, the creeping feeling of sadness when Tommy gives the presidency back to the brother lost to madness, the wonder he feels when he himself is elected in their place. He remembers explosions and fear and chaos and smoke and ash. He remembers screams and roars from withers, the bellowing of a pink-haired man he knew as a brother as he betrayed their newly-reinstated nation.

He remembers rebuilding and expanding, stress and pressure as he struggles to lead the country he was elected to serve. ~~_He is only 16 when he is given the role to lead a country and its people. He is 16 and yet he is treated like an adult. But even as a responsible leader in the eyes of his friends, he is still a yes-man. He is undermined and ignored, even in his position of power. He needs to do what is best for the country. He will do what is the best for L’Manburg, no matter the cost._ ~~He remembers anger and despair at the sight of black obsidian walls enveloping his country, walls that grew and grew as the hole his best friend dug them into grew deeper and deeper. He remembers rage and sadness and disappointment when Tommy can’t keep his _fucking mouth shut for once in his goddamn life,_ when he says that Dream has the one things he cares about. ~~_“The one thing you care about, huh,” Tubbo bites, ignoring the mumbled correction of “Well, one of them,” that his best friend makes_ _._ _He is being left behind again, now that he isn’t needed anymore, his brain whispers. He pushes away emotion and focuses on logic, being responsible and the leader that L’Manburg needs._~~ He makes a decision that he will regret for the rest of his life. He tells his soulmate that the things he gave up for the country so long ago don’t matter. He tells his Tommy that he is selfish, a liability. He exiles his best friend.

He turns his back as the boy he’s grown to know as a brother is led away by the man with the smiley mask. He turns his back on his brother. ~~_He forgets something important that their older brother said, long before madness corrupted and ruined his mind. “L’Manburg is a togetherness. A place for men to be free from brutality and tyranny.” L’Manburg isn’t a country with picturesque houses and pretty lights. L’Manburg is the people who live there, who fought for it. By exiling the person who fought the hardest for them all, by exiling his best friend, by making a hard choice that he thought was for the good of L’Manburg, Tubbo doomed L’Manburg to fall. Because L’Manburg is nothing without the citizens, just like Tubbo is nothing without Tommy and Tommy is nothing without Tubbo._~~

After he makes a choice, he regrets, guilt clawing at his heart. One day, Ghostbur arrives with a gift, a lodestone compass leading to where Tommy is. “That way you’ll always know where he is.” Ghostbur says in that echoey voice of his. Tubbo hugs it to his chest. He treasures the gift, holding it with him everywhere he goes. ~~_When it is destroyed in a charged creeper explosion, he is devastated. He hadn’t gone to visit his friend in exile because he knew that he’d never be able to face the person he doomed. If he had, maybe he would have caught his soulmate being manipulated by a masked man, a man who hurt and hurt and wanted others to hurt as well._~~

~~_Tubbo is Atlas, forever cursed to hold the world up on his shoulders, to bear the weight of the load that no other person around him was able to bear. And he would continue to do it, because Tubbo knows that he needs to do his best for all of the people who expect greatness from him._ ~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hehe chapter is less of a character analysis and more of a look at my version of SMP!Tubbo's backstory and how it impacts his later choices in the canon, so take that as you will. And remember, this is all my perspective. It is not canon in any way.

**Author's Note:**

> Isn't it fascinating how closely related their characters are?


End file.
